Is Offense a Choice?

One of our close followers recently pointed out that I used the word gimping, when that word could be taken offensively and is considered somewhat pejorative. 

   We clearly don’t have a problem with people that are disabled, and I should hope anyone following us for any amount of time would know this. Certain beliefs are at the heart of this kind of response, and we’re going to use our reply as an opportunity to talk about something at the heart of so much of the world's division.

   I want to start by taking that concern seriously. Here is the strongest version of the argument for avoiding language that could cause offense as I see it.

   Language is not purely neutral. Words carry history. Some words were historically used to mock, belittle, or dehumanize marginalized groups, including people with disabilities. Even if the speaker doesn’t intend harm, repetition of those terms can reinforce and restructure a persons inner narrative, self-image, and worldview. 

   From this perspective, choosing not to use certain words is more like stewardship than about catering to someone's emotional fragility. After all, we become like the things we give our attention to, and our experience is colored by the quality of our thoughts.

   If a word costs you nothing to replace, but might cost someone else dignity, why cling to it? Why not err on the side of care? Especially when language evolves anyway! We already stopped using plenty of terms once considered normal, because we realized they were hurting people. 

   The goal isn't authoritarian control of speech so much as cultural refinement and an attempt at reducing unnecessary harm in a world already saturated with prejudice and judgment. People deserve not to be casually reduced to external conditions outside of their control.

HOWEVER. 

There is another principle at play here, and it runs just as deep. A psychologically healthy person can’t require the world to pad itself to stay steady. Avoidance might reduce discomfort in the short term, but over time it also reinforces the idea that certain words, identities, or topics are too taboo or fragile to make contact with them.

   Exposure therapy works precisely because strength grows through that very contact. Hiding will only amplify the problem. But facing your realities head on, including the world’s opinion of them, and rising above to indifference to those things which are outside of your control, that’s the true but uncomfortable resolution.

   After months of moderate isolation in the Oregon wilderness, I shipped off to Vegas, made an Ask Me Anything sign (written on there “bonus points if you can make me uncomfortable”) and worked to combat the very sensitivities I had been cultivating.

   See a prejudice-free, mentally healthy world is not one in which we are hypersensitive to every marker of identity. It’s one in which those markers have no emotional charge, because they are no longer treated as sacred vulnerabilities. True equality looks less like tiptoeing and more like normalizing.

   The ancient dichotomy of control says it all! Some things are within our control, and some are not. Our character, our effort, our interpretation, those are ours. Our height, our disabilities, our past, the words others choose, those are not. When we anchor our worth to what is outside our control, we become perpetually offendable. When we anchor it to what is within our control, we drop anchor amid a turbulent sea.

   Paige is by far one of the best examples I’ve met of this philosophy. So to wrap up, I need to let her have the floor. 

   “When I was 19 years old, my father took his own life. Reasonably, for a long time I was very sensitive to jokes about suicide. I remember talking about it with a friend one night shortly after his death, who vocalized their attempt to shield me and my brother from a friend of theirs who would often make jokes like, “rather k!!! myself!” 

   I didn't know how to feel about it at the time, it was weird that it was okay to talk about it and even talk about joking, but NOT to say the actual joke as if THAT was an unacceptable offense. Talking about it at all swelled up pain in my heart, whatever angle it came from, but I appreciated the gesture. 

   After a little time, I grew a little less sensitive to it, and realized that I didn’t want to be sensitive to it at all. I’ve realized that the only person it hurts is myself and my choice to be offended was absolutely that, MY choice, if I decided to train my mind in such a way. 

   For some time now I’ve been absolutely detached from my trauma in this way, and when it is not directed at anyone in any kind of serious manner, and spoken with understanding of only good intentions as a lighthearted joke, I have no reservation to joke about it and it doesn’t evoke pain in my heart anymore. It’s not because I’ve suppressed any of my emotions or experience. Grief comes in waves, and occasionally I still cry over and mourn my father. 

   This doesn’t mean disregard everyone’s feelings and say mean things when you think it’s funny! When it comes to our own actions, we should always be working to act in virtue and love for our fellow humans. But for every action we take, there is someone who could choose to be offended, so don’t cater to your fellow man without reason. 

   We should all work to have a more resilient mind if we want to attain the most mental peace we possibly can. Offense is in the hands of the offended. Protect your own peace of mind, choose offense wisely, or better yet, not at all.”