Smothered in Darkness
I’m sorry for what I’m about to write. If you’re looking for something positive, this isn’t it.
I’ve been terribly distant. I wanted to write all these reflections about our walk from Canada to Mexico, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it. Since leaving the Canadian border I have witnessed so much ugliness, interpreted as it might be by my perception. I have perceived beauty as well, but this time the darkness has cast itself far beyond the light. I am truly struggling to disentangle the “is” from the “ought.”
We have been robbed. We have been slandered. We have been called walking devils, freeloaders, ugly, stupid, grifters, satanists, f-ing anything’s, and everything else under the sun. Not just behind the veil of social media; we get plenty of opportunities to meet these judgments in person.
We have been abandoned in the middle of nowhere. We have been ghosted more times than we could ever hope to count. It is a near-weekly occurrence.
Some of the best connections we thought we made have gone on to read one article they disagree with, and either make a fuss about it privately, publicly, or silently disappear from our periphery altogether.
It’s as if they have suddenly said to themselves: oh, they were actually up to no good all along! All the while, we’ve literally been preaching a message about how no one agrees with anyone on everything, and we simply have to accept it, learning to discuss these things civilly, embracing the greater pursuit of knowledge.
It’s so clear to me now. You can’t talk about anything of significance (the only discussions that enact real change), no matter the words you use, without dealing with the worst that humanity has to offer. I can’t imagine being in a political space. Hate our politicians all you want; I can’t help but pity them now.
It isn’t merely those things which affect us directly that have led me to this pit, but a world of people doing this to anyone and everyone they encounter that’s different from them.
Walk through the ghetto, and they think you’ve got it too easy, even if they would never dare such a feat. Walk through the bourgeoisie or the wealthy, and you’ll be condemned for not having “a real job” or just having a backpack on. It's unrelenting.
It’s so clear how fucked by their own minds everyone is when they’re literally all just griping about everyone that isn’t the way they are. Now THAT’s stupid. THAT’s what’s idiotic.
It would all be tolerable with a true community to fall back on. You guys are the closest thing I have. I couldn’t have made it without you, but at this point, I think you’re all I have.
I have lost nearly everything to this fucking walk, and my arbitrary drive to share my insight with the world, including most of my closest friends. Friends that I suppose never really knew me. You mean we drink together and you want to help the world be healthier? HYPOCRITE! You make jokes derived from judgments? HYPOCRITE! Who are you to help change the world? You think YOU are going to make a difference?
You’re upset with me for cheating on your relative with one of your friends and then claiming that it wasn’t consensual, so I could get out of it at another person's expense? You caught me in another lie after the fact and you dare to judge me? Who are YOU to judge ME!? Aren’t you preaching a message of—
Fuck that, and fuck them. Nobody gets to get away with shit forever. But dare to challenge them, and see how many people care to do the work necessary to have any kind of real relationship.
I have forgiven, and forgiven, and forgiven 77,000 times, and I am tired. I am resentful. I am losing my inner battle for one of the first times since I began this pursuit.
If you think it hasn’t touched the closest relationships I have at heart, think again. I can tell you who hasn’t betrayed me, condemned me, lied to me, disowned me, or abandoned me. Dad. That’s everyone. And I’m at a point where I can’t help but wonder if it’s just a matter of time before that’s taken from me as well.
The strangest thing is, I used to be horrible! Horrible to be around. Mean. Condemnatory. Judgmental. Angry. Hateful. I was THE WORST. And at everyone else's expense. And. it. was. easy.
Now I work my ass off to curb my baser instincts, reactions, and desires, and I can’t help but feel like most people have grown to hate me for it.
Don’t get me wrong, I can be difficult. I can be really difficult. But it has grown into such a predictable pattern, I see these instances more and more clearly: don’t indulge their judgments and egocentrism, aim for healthier perspectives and goals, and it’s only time until they disappear.
You don’t even have to push your agenda on anyone. Your existence runs against the grain of theirs, and they need no more reason to hate you for it than the icky feeling it gives them.
The wealthy want to imprison you for being poor. The poor want to destroy you for having something they don’t. And the selfish need no more reason to hate those attempting to be more selfless.
I’m sorry I’ve been distant. I want to bring you the kind of light that can illuminate the most beneficial path, but I have been smothered in darkness recently. It has creeped under my skin and seeded itself in my very bones. In any case, I love you guys. Thank you for being here with me.
